I have always been an intuitive, sensitive person, able to pick up on subtle energies, occasionally seeing auras, having prophetic dreams... But before, it was almost as if it was muted, dulled, a thin gauze pulled over my vision or cotton stuffed in my ears. There but not strong, not vibrant, a hint of what could be. When I got my Reiki attunements last year and dedicated my healing and birth-work to the Bear Mother, Brighid, that gauzy veil was lifted. Since then (and possibly influenced I'm sure by various celestial events and the shifting Collective Consciousness and grief/anger that has been flooding the collective psyche the last few months) my ability to sense and feel energies, and my sensitivity to sensory input, EMFs, and other energy has increased a hundred-fold, resulting in both profound spiritual experiences and healing sessions with others, but also debilitating sensory overload and crippling anxiety.
I find myself in a constant pendulum-swing, unable to settle in a middle ground. One day I am happy and motivated, full to bursting with inspiration and ideas that I can't wait to do... the next minute I am in a crumpled heap, completely fatigued and burned out, inspiration gone and a melancholic despair that I will never reach my potential, that I will never step fully into my Calling, that I will never be enough, that I will never .... and then I am back again, making plans and designing garden spaces and rituals and trying to buy goats. My adrenals fucking hate me.
And then I remind myself to Breathe.
To touch the Earth with my feet.
To pick Flowers and gaze at their beauty, admiring their complexity as I would the rosebud between a lover's legs.
To put on a Necklace in the morning, my fingertips gravitating to it throughout my day, grounding me.
To put on my Veil, my mantle, to shield me from Outsiders when I go out into the world.
To drink Tea, and be present with it, to let its liquid warmth fill me and heal my heart and mind...
Sometimes I rage, at the Universe, for the constant trials that I have endured, the tests I have passed, to get to this point. And yet at this point I still feel as if I am nowhere. I am no one. Sometimes I rage at the World, for the hate and bigotry, the hunger and the lies. That we could be so close to making that last shift to a higher vibrational state, a new Peace, and then we go hurdling backwards down the slope of progress... It takes everything in me to pull out of the slump of negative thought patterns and actions. Sometimes I can when I notice it, sometimes it takes days.
And so, this weekend, as we enter the beginning of the Eclipse season of 2017 with a dual New Moon + Solar Eclipse in Pisces, a time of shifting and stepping into a new reality, of making final changes and manifesting our true path, I will go into ceremony. I will partake in ritual. I will vision and dance and sing and cry and dream. I dream a dream so beautiful I fear it never coming to fruition, and so now, at this time, in that moment, I will give it my last go. My all. I will give myself to the Flames, that I may be burned up, consumed, all that is no longer useful burned away like slag. All doubts and expectations fed to the Sineaters, they no longer serve me. That I may become Nothing and Everything and then be reborn anew. Reborn from the Flames, a new blade forged in the smithy fire of Brigh. Wielded by the warrior-queen Morrigu. Made love to in the Wildwood by the Horned God. I will give myself to the Beasts, to be ravaged, and torn asunder. To be transformed, shapeshifting into something that is not of this world. Something wild. I will take up my mantle, I will take up my staff, I will take up blade and bone and blood and I will walk the path I have been called to. I will do magic. I will fight for what is true. I will heal. I will curse when need be. I will be baptized again and again in the birthing blood of women-born and gather with my sisters witch-born under the moon.
My Ancestors are calling me. My Gods are calling me. My Spirit is calling me. I must take the Fool's step and be free.
Be free dear ones, always be free.